Archive for January, 2012

January 29, 2012

Feeling Felt

Shortly after Takeo Doi, a Japanese psychiatrist, arrived on his first visit to America, he had an awkward moment. He was visiting the home of someone to whom he had just been introduced, and his host asked him if he was hungry, adding, “We have some ice cream if you’d like it”
Doi was in fact rather hungry. But being asked point-blank if he was hungry by someone he hardly knew was jarring. He would never have been asked such a thing in Japan.

Following the norms of Japanese Culture

January 26, 2012

The Goal of Attunement

Consider a beautiful and independent young lawyer whose fiance, a writer, worked at home. Whenever she came home, the fiance would drop whatever he was doing and hover around her. One evening as she was coming to bed, he eagerly pulled her to him even before she had a chance to get under the sheets.
“Just gimme an ounce of space to love you from,” she said to him- a comment that hurt his feelings.
Her comment bespeaks the underside of looping too tightly: it can be suffocating.

The goal of attunement

January 25, 2012

What does a woman want? (Freud’s famous question)

Q: What does a woman want? (Freud’s famous question)
One of the great answers was “She wants a partner who cares what she wants” (Mark Epstein, psychiatrist)

January 25, 2012

Love’s Major Expressions

In the terrain of the human heart, scientists tell us, at least three independent but interrelated brain systems are at play. All moving us in their own way.

To untangle love’s mysteries, neuroscience distinguishes between neural networks for attachment, for caregiving, and for sex.
Each is fueled by a differing

January 25, 2012

I-It interaction

As the philosopher Martine Buber called it.
In I-It interaction, Buber wrote, one person has no attunement to the other’s subjective reality, feels no real empathy for the other person. The lack of connectedness may be all too obvious from the recipient’s perspective.

January 25, 2012

I-You interaction

As the Austrian-born Buber described it in his 1937 book on a philosophy of relationships, I-You (or “I and Thou,” as the phrase entered American popular culture) is a special bond, an attuned closeness that is often – but of course not always – found between husbands and wives, family members, and good friends.

January 15, 2012


Attunement is attention that goes beyond momentary empathy to a full, sustained presence that facilitate rapport.

We offer a person our total attention and listen fully. We seek to understand the other person rather than just making our own point. Such deep listening seems to be

January 14, 2012

Being attentive VS Self-absorption

A  two-month-old baby who detects his mother approaching will instinctively become still, quiet his breathing a bit, turn toward her, and look at her face, focus on her eyes or mouth, and orient his ears toward any sounds coming from her. Each of these moves enhance the perceptual ability of the baby to attune to what the mother says or does.

The more sharply attentive we are

January 13, 2012

The “Big Black Hole”

Suzy Welch has mentioned in her book “10-10-10

It is a condition that results from a lack of values awareness. More common than you might think, the big black hole manifest itself as a gaping emotional void at the center of our lives, begging to be filled with activities, commitments, children, studying…whatever busyness will mask the emptiness. ~ Suzy Welch

It occurs

January 11, 2012

The word “We” & Relationship

Suzy Welch has mentioned in her book “10-10-10“. Something she had called it, A Code-Cracking Theory:

Speaking about her discussion with a lady regarding relationship, Suzy Welch mentioned:

What delighted me most in my conversation with her was her repeated use of the word “WE. It made me realize how effective 10-10-10 had been in aligning the couple, and in giving them a disciplined and dispassionate way to talk about melding their values.
Where the relationship is bigger than both of them. And that’s how


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